5 Mediocre Things

1. Grades in the 70s – Well, you didn’t fail, but you didn’t quite succeed either. Nothing feels more like yellow and flat bicycle tires like a nice 70. At least an 80 could be blamed on a simple mistake, or a 60 on complete misunderstanding of the material. But no, it’s a 70, screaming “I should have worked harder”. So sit, peer at your obvious mistakes, and let the grade soak itself in.


2. MP3 Players – So, you’re not cool enough to own an iPod, here’s the next best thing. They come in all shapes and sizes, but they are all primarily just junk drives with a headphone jack. They work just the same as their cooler counterparts, but make the listener subject to countless letdown friends who ask to play with their iPod. Music is Music is Music, so load ‘em up, unwind those headphones, and listen.


3. Miniature Schnauzers – These are the small annoying dogs that bark a lot. They aren’t very good for anything anymore; apparently they used to catch mice on ships. Now they’re the house pet that isn’t quite large or small enough to be useful. They aren’t large enough to be a hearty, mans-best-friend kind of dog that goes on runs or jumps into lakes. However, they aren’t small enough to be cute and cuddly, fit-in-your-purse dogs either. Really, they’re just animals that bark.



4. Straight Spaghetti- Wednesday was always spaghetti day in my house, I’d come downstairs to the aroma of tangy marinara and welcoming garlic bread. I’d sit down and my mother would put my plate in front of me, my mouth watering in anticipation, until I see a boring bowl of straight spaghetti. These stands of starch just can’t compare to the fun of bows, shells, or even linguini. Not only do they produce a dull meal, but they’re a challenge to eat that isn’t worth its rewards.


5. Paperclips – Not quite as handy as its cousin, the staple, paperclips nonetheless have been helping us marry sheets for decades. These little metal clips may get you lost in their curvature before you can start finding organization with their help. Be careful, one wrong move and your paperclip can disengage, depositing you back to the beginning of your problem, with two pieces of paper and the perpetual challenge of binding them together.